Peaches & Honey: Sh*t I've Said to My Toddler This Week

Bobby has been a special breed of mischievous the past few days. He goes in these phases where he will be mostly agreeable and fairly easy to handle for a for a week or two. It's just long enough for me to think that I've got him pegged and that maybe, just maybe, this toddler thing isn't as bad as I've made it out to be. Then, out of nowhere, some kind of wild, wiley streak sets in where he is just a non-stop fireball for a few days.

One day she is going to beat his ass. I probably won't stop her.

Have you ever heard some of the things that come out of your mouth to your kids? Like really stopped and listened to the things you have to say to these ~~tiny drunk people~~ toddlers? It's complete absurdity. I decided to stop and record the ridiculous things I say to my child this week. I do, of course, say plenty of normal, sweet, typical good-mom things to him. And I do discipline him for his many infractions. But nobody cares about that. Here's a snapshot of the bizarre:

"We have to stay out of the garbage."

"The pelican will bite you."

"The baby doesn't eat Lysol wipes. Seriously, stop trying to feed the baby Lysol wipes. Don't MAKE me come stop you."
"How did sausage get there?"

"Ugh...Don't lick the dust pan, dude."

"Get your hands out of the garbage right now!"

"Sweetie, I'm sorry you fell, but that's what happens when you scatter chocolate raisins all over the kitchen floor."
"We don't drink syrup out of the bottle."

"I will pick you up and carry you out of this store right this minute."

"Where did you dump all the hand sanitizer?"
"Are apples even good in ketchup?"

"Thanks for smearing the butt paste all over yourself."

"I'm seriously going to laugh when that pelican bites you."

"How'd you get in the dryer?"

"We're out of ketchup. I give up. Let's have bacon for dinner."

"Please don't eat tree bark."
"Sweetheart, the light bulb goes inside the lamp. Wait, why do you have a light bulb?"

"How did broccoli get on the stairs?"

"Spit. Out. The. Thumbtacks."

"That is two-day-old trash! Noooo!!"

"Get your hands out of your diaper. It's rude."

"Dude, you're sucking on a tea bag that I know I've put in the garbage three times."