Sh*t I Said to My Toddlers Last Week

Last week was one of those. You know, where everybody moves a little too fast and screams a little too much, and a little too much of the food you've cooked lands on the floor. It's hard to keep your wits about you and to not lose it from time to time. (I'm not speaking from experience; I totally lost it).

Kim Kardashian called. She wants her cry face back.

And then it dawned on me- I have two toddlers. Aha! 

Toddlers are A-holes as a breed; I think we've all acknowledged that by now and made our peace with it. But I've considered Vivi my baby for so long that sometimes I forget that she's totally a toddler now. And two toddlers are three more than one. Here are some snippets from last week:

 

"Your penis is not a handle."

"Don't drink your bathwater."

"You can't lick the salt off peanuts and then put them back in the jar. That's a house rule."

"Don't eat pretzels out of the dirt."
"Your brother's penis is not a handle."

"If you're gonna drink your bathwater, don't share a bath tub."

"You've got to learn how to protect your manhood."

"I'm sorry I won't let you gnaw on splintered wood." 

"Did you eat this entire tube of toothpaste?"

"Diarrhea isn't for playing. "

"Boys don't wear pearls. I mean, some do, but that's really a different discussion for a different day." 

"How much hand soap did you feed her?!"

"You really don't have to keep your hands down the front of your pants all the time."

"How many times do we have to discuss not drinking our bathwater?"

"It's not my fault you ate a crayon."

"Spit out the ear bud."

"Who put the train down the toilet?"

"When you deliberately smush bananas in your hair and then say 'uh-oh,' it's not an uh-oh."

"Did you pee on your sister?"

"Gross girls drink their bathwater." 

Perhaps it's time to take a longer look at bath time decorum.