Thoughts on a Tuesday

This whole week has been an experiment in terror. And it's Tuesday. 

 Frolicking under the Tuscan sun without a care in the world was a bit of a tease. We were there just long enough for me to get used to not having to work so hard, and then I was thrown back into my real life where laundry is piled high and the beasties are still holding a grudge against us leaving them in the first place. I'm so, so happy to be back home with my tiny people, but I've had a lot on my mind ever since we came back to reality. I just can't stop my wheels from turning:

• I'm joining the gym today. This is huge. I haven't had a gym membership in about three years, so this is a step forward to taking care of myself. Bonus points for the childcare option they offer. I'm tempted to just check in, drop off the kids, and sit around reading magazines in the sauna. But I'm going to try to convince myself to actually work out while I'm already there. Baby steps.
• What kind of cars are we going to buy? Yes, I said "cars." Plural. Two. Dos. Remember how I got in that wreck a couple of weeks ago? The insurance totaled the car, so we have to buy a new one. Well that is unfortunate, since we will obviously have to pay a decent amount out of pocket for a newer car, but not terrible. Until we found out that our other car has a pretty significant oil leak. An oil leak that would cost almost as much as the car is worth to repair. So now we are in the market for two new cars. If you thought car shopping was nerve wracking when you bought your I-just-graduated-college car, then factor in the safety of two babies into the equation. Alex and I have spent hours upon hours scouring resources to find a car that fits our lifestyle, budget, etc. It's tough deciding. And then once you get close to deciding, it's tough actually finding one. Every one we become interested in gets snatched up the same day. And then there's the timing factor. Alex is leaving in a week, and we need to get it ASAP. Still no car on the horizon.
• In the same vein of car safety, we also have to buy new car seats. Fun Fact- Did you know that you have to replace car seats that have been involved in a car accident, regardless of whether a person was sitting in it or not? Luckily, the faulty party's insurance is paying for the car seats, but now I'm questioning what kind of seat to buy. There are too many options, and I keep questioning if the seat Vivi was sitting in during the crash is really the right choice. I have let her ride forward facing since she turned one, but it really is safer for a child to ride rear-facing a bit longer. Therefore, I am debating on different car seats, and questioning my choices. I keep feeling guilt over the fact that our wreck could have been so much worse, and would it be my fault had she been injured due to her car seat? 
• You know the game about how to find your porn star name? (First name of your childhood pet and the name of your street). Mine is "Miss Jewel Highway 39." It's catchy.
•  Bobby is being a particular shade of todder a-hole ever since we returned from Italy. Toddlers as a breed are a bit of a toss-up; one week they're great and the next week you want to lock them in their rooms and swallow the key. We are having a particularly rough week, and it's only Tuesday. He's been especially whiny and clingy, and he fusses about every single thing, yet he won't communicate to us what he's crying about. Most of this takes place in the kitchen. He refuses to eat anything I make him during meal times, but during non-meal times he constantly tries to get snacks off the counter, or he will pull frozen food out of the freezer and eat it. Frozen. I could get on board with a frozen Toaster Strudel, I suppose, but frozen sausage patties? No bueno. He also will pull a chair over from the dining table and climb on our counters to get things out of the cabinets. I recently had to confiscate a bottle of B-12 gummies and children's Pepto tablets from his greedy little fists, which resulted in a large crying battle and the longest time-out in the history of the world. I'm starting to think that maybe he is acting out to get my undivided attention, which makes me sad and guilty, because I feel like I have never been able to give him enough. He doesn't remember a life before Vivi, and it makes me feel bad that he may feel jealous or like he is not getting enough of my attention. Plus, I feel like I am constantly telling him "no" so much that I rarely get a chance to tell him "yes." I really do my best to give each of my kids their own special attention, but it's hard, especially when they're so close together and SO busy. I think no matter how you space out your kids or what you do with them, you're always going to wonder if you made the right decisions. I guess guilt goes hand-in-hand with motherhood and I should just get over it already. It's not like the boy is truly lacking for attention.
• Vivi is starting to wear jewelry, and I think it's the cutest thing I've ever seen! I gave her my old gold baby bracelet for her first birthday present, and she hasn't taken it off since. She looks adorable walking and waving her little arms around like a priss with that bracelet on. The other day she grabbed a necklace of mine and was awfully interested in it, so I put it on her, and she wore it for a good 2 hours. I think that this necklace may be in her near future!
• I'm afraid my husband thinks that I am losing my mind. I have become so forgetful lately. I forgot Bobby's summer school forms. They were supposed to be turned in weeks ago. Alex came in with the forms today, asking had I not turned them in? I thought he had turned them in. Or maybe I did? Except I was confused...I couldn't remember how our conversation had gone down, but it was weeks ago. How am I expected to remember a conversation from weeks ago? Except that it wasn't weeks ago. Alex reminded me that I called him frantically the day before we left for Italy saying that these forms just had to be in that day, and asking if he could print them off for me. I had literally no recollection of this. "How do you not remember that," he asked? God, I don't know. I obviously have nothing else to think about. Is this just me? Or is this the normal mind of a normal mom with two normal kids? I remember my mama saying that we sucked all of her intelligence out of her and thinking that she was crazy. But now I get it. I don't know how I survive some days. 
• I need to find Father's Day gifts, but I'd rather drink spoiled milk than try to figure out what to buy for the men in my life.
• We left for Italy with a baby girl, and we returned to a second toddler. Vivi has changed so much in the time we were gone. She acts like a real little human now. She is smart and so sassy! And she has learned the word "no." Bobby still to this day doesn't say "no." He will say, "uh-uh," indicating no while shaking his head, but he doesn't say the word. I can handle that fine. But there's something about hearing a straight-up "no" that makes me uneasy. The other day she was toddling about and fussing a little bit, so I assumed she was hungry and offered her a strawberry. She looked at the strawberry and then looked at me, chucked it across the room, and said, "NO!" quite defiantly. I stood there, stunned. That was no accident. Also, she has begun to remove her diaper any time she doesn't have pants or bloomers on. What happened to my baby?
• I ate an entire carton of cotton candy yesterday, and I didn't even regret it afterward. 
• Well, maybe I regretted it a little.

I apologize if these ramblings stressed anyone out, but I can't help but wonder if anyone else has all of these thoughts and worries and guilt. Or maybe you don't, in which case you can happily go back to your day feeling a lot better about yourself! :)

Crouching like Gollum while eating frozen tacos and growling "my precioussss." Okay, that's only party true.